Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
