I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
