im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
