Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
You're a womanizer and a bitch.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize