I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
All I want is dick and wine.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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