i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
