Where did you get a picture of my penis
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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