i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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