you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
They have beer where we have blood.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
