I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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