so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
