Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
