Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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