we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
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