so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
