woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
