I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Randomize
