I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
