I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize