I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
