he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize