Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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