she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize