My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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