Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Randomize
