loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
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