Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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