I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
