Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Please don't give away my fajitas
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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