im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
