Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
