Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
