I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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