He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
