she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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