The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize