I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
