last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
