can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
