so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
