I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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