So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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