I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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