hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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