the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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