u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
