Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
The air taste purple.
Randomize
