He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
