youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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