So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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