I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize