If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
YAS. BRING CRAB.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
