i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
