worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Please don't give away my fajitas
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize