the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
