I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
But break dance skills will only take you so far
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
