Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
