He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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