You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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